05.31.09

Many do not know that we are here in this world to live in harmony. ~Buddha

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Today I am grateful...

• that I cheated on my food plan yesterday at Dave's party for Hayden's birthday and I didn't gain a pound
• that I as able to support my friend Pam at her first ever gallery opening
• for lots of euphoria during the past week
• that a lot of my serenity is self inflicted
• for my 'rediscovery' of one of my favorite recording artists, Yello. They are simply incredible!

You are the creator of your own Serenity. It lives and breathes within your desire for Recovery. It is no mystery. It is a conscious choice. Serenity is born and flourishes, with the help of your Higher Power, through your own efforts to maintain order, stability and self-discipline within your everyday life. Serenity is a daily gift you give to yourself. Be generous! --Lumpy Karma

Nyah ah ah...

05.30.09

When you talk, you can only say something that you already know. When you listen, you learn what someone else knows. ~Unknown

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Today I am grateful...

• that I can be the observer and not have to comment
• for those that serve as a mirror to my own character defects. It's painful sometimes, but it is one of the fastest ways to growth when I can recognize what's going on and not assume I am just annoyed but being shown where I can change.
• that a huge portion of my fears have been replaced with trust and faith all stemming from the practice of gratitude
• that it works. It really works.

Look beyond people's behaviors and have compassion for what may be causing their insensitivities. We are on earth to discover our own path and will never be happy trying to live someone elses idea of life. ~Daily Inspiration

05.29.09

You can be free from them in an instant if you choose. For worry is your own creation. Fear is nothing more than a response you have chosen. ~Ralph Marston

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Today I am grateful...

• for the path of least resistance
• that sobriety has forced me to be more spontaneous (flexible)
• that I am willing to learn
• for memories of summers at the cabin on Kentucky Lake, walking through a graveyard with the winds of an approaching storm blowing, night games, sleepovers on Friday nights watching Creature Feature (hosted by M.T. Graves)
• that I do not have to live in remorse or fear, unless I chose to
• for the middle ground where I do not fight the opposites that are often pulling at me

Every one of the pioneers in the total field of alcoholism will generously say that had it not been for the living proof of recovery in A.A., they could not have gone on. A.A. was the lodestar of hope and help that kept them at it. ~Grapevine, March 1958

05.28.09

My program for recovery from addiction is spiritual and not religious. I believe that spirituality encompasses all that is good and noble in all the great religions of the world. It cannot be confined or limited to one religion or denomination. Spirituality stops the recovering person from looking for the differences; it stops the arrogance and prejudice; it stops the division and separations that feed the disease. Spirituality emphasizes the inherent unity of man. It teaches the most stubborn of men to hold hands. ~Fr Leo

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Today I am grateful...

• that today I will get to be in a circle and hold hands with two alcoholics, standing in unity
• for another late night gab session with my newly reconnected friend in KY
• for the peace and serenity of feeling truly I am where I need to be, doing what I chose to do this lifetime
• that today is a work at home day, working on the commission piece
• that if I focus on what might have been, it will get in the way of what might be

Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them. ~Abraham Lincoln

05.27.09

The biggest danger we face as recovering people is self-will. Our goal is to lose as much of our self-will as we can. We than put love in place of self-will. Recovery is truly about love. ~Keep It Simple

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Today I am grateful...

• for Facebook. Last night I reconnected with a woman I had not seen or spoken with since 1976. We instant messenger-ed a bit, then I called her and we hooted and hollered and laughed and caught up. It was glorious fun!
• that I fell asleep last night with a smile on my face and in my heart
• that my life today is recovery centered. My old thoughts which were consumed with alcohol have been replaced with thoughts of recovery.
• that a cleaned up mind and heart has left space for so much love to enter my life
• that the program of recovery offered by Alcoholics Anonymous is truly the easier, softer way
• that I got to tour this lovely woman's studio yesterday

We deserve to enjoy intimacy in as many of our relationships as possible. We deserve relationships that have not been sabotaged. That does not mean we walk around with our heads in the clouds; it means we strive to keep our motives clean when it comes to discussing other people. ~The Language of Letting Go

05.26.09

The most accurate way to predict the future is to get busy creating it. The more generously you participate in life, the more it will go your way. ~Ralph Marston

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Today I am grateful...

• that I got to sit between Bob S and Nagar S last night
• that it is sooooooooooooooo much easier for me to share in meetings that it was in the past. I used to FREAK when I had to share.
• that things work a lot better when I get out of the way
• that I double purchased asparagus over the weekend. That stuff is expensive but I have enough for several meals. Yummy!
• that I had a good date with Morpheus last night
• for constant reminders of how good life is in recovery
• that Pammie made it back from her clandestine voyage
• for sending an email to check on someone that just can't stay clean. I hope I hear back because I am afraid one day he won't be able to make it back.
• that God could and would if He were sought

Discipline of yourself is absolutely necessary before the power of God is given to you. When you see others manifesting the power of God, you probably have not seen the discipline that went before. They made themselves ready. All your life is a preparation for more good to be accomplished when God knows that you are ready for it. So keep disciplining yourself in the spiritual life every day. Learn so much of the spiritual laws that your life cannot again be a failure. Others will see the outward manifestation of the inward discipline in your daily living. ~Twenty-Four Hours a Day

05.25.09

I cannot stay sober on yesterday's meetings or past Twelfth-Step calls; I need to put my gratitude into action today. ~Daily Reflections

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Today I am grateful...

• that I gave in and finally got a new printer. In doing so it let me get rid of my scanner which took up way too much counter space.
• that I got the major part of the layout done for the large commission piece
• that today is a holiday because I could not get to sleep easily last night and couldn't sleep past my usual waking time this morning--maybe two naps today?
• that when I am able to pay attention there are plenty of things to learn, every day
• that I can approach today with no resentments
• that I, along with many, fight a different war, a war which seeks freedom from self

God is to be found in the "odd" things in life: The dance, relationships, Charlie Chaplin, jogging, the pet dog and the sincere hug. The adventure we find in life reflects our adventure in God. Spirituality is seeing beyond the ordinary into the extraordinary: "The Kingdom of God is within". ~Fr Leo

05.24.09

Just like a seed has an image of the tree in it, so does your heart have an image of who you are becoming. Look for stories in movies and books that resonate in your heart, and you will find glimpses of your possible futures. What is your favorite story? ~from the In God We Trust meme on Facebook

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Today I am grateful...

• for easy solutions. Like last night at the speaker meeting there were three people rattling their popcorn bags as the meeting was starting. I couldn't sit there without wanting to clobber them so I got up and moved across the room.
• that during my three hour shift answering Intergroup phones yesterday I got to hear the desperation in the voice of several callers wanting help. That reminds me of the place I came from. (I know that should be 'from whence I came' but that sounds so fake.)
• that Pammie and Mary Christine are clandestine diners
• that I have more today than I need
• to have sold a piece of art yesterday during a studio visit from an out-of-town artist/collector

There are some times when we seem bent on self-destruction. We may be disgruntled about the demands and responsibilities of the day and determined to punish ourselves for our inability to cope easily. Why we subvert our own best interests is often a mystery, but we all know the frustration and despair of not doing what we should do and doing what we should not do. ~Food for Thought

05.23.09

When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. ~Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 64

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Today I am grateful...

• that I removed the first bullet point here because it was a rehash of last night's dinner fiasco and I just can leave that alone today
• for British humour--we watched Graham Norton last night and his show is the best entertainment
• that this weekend we have Intergroup phones at Lambda Center and I get to do some service work
• that today an out-of -own artist/collector will come by for a studio visit
• for the three day weekend!

We need to remember that the disease of addiction still lives in our recovery. However, our honest attempts at dealing with a problem or helping another with a problem - provided they are honest attempts -will usually be more than sufficient.Today I accept my best attempts with gratitude and I am not too proud to seek the advice of another. ~Fr Leo

05.22.09

For a time we are living inside a scream where there seems to be no exit, only echoes. The small cares that seemed so important yesterday seem like nothing, and our daily concerns become petty and irrelevant. When we finally reclaim ourselves, as we ultimately do, we are changed. ~Kent Nerburn, Simple Truths

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Today I am grateful...

• for my new orange leather sketchbook and my new orange leather briefcase
• ...living inside a scream--that so describes where I once was
• for the visit from FC yesterday. A charming man.
• that my Higher Power has brought me to where I am today
• that I am comfortable with my station today

A beggar supplicates, a child appropriates. When you supplicate, you are often kept waiting, but when you appropriate God's strength in a good cause, you have it at once. ~Twenty-Four Hours a Day

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Showing up is 80 percent of life. ~Woody Allen

05.21.09

To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face. ~Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 44

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Today I am grateful...

• for the oddness of yesterday. Clients not able to make a decision, events that kept appointments from being kept, general uneasiness of people
• for the comment from someone googling something that led them to a post of mine showing a photograph of Monument Valley and then deciding they had to visit. It is my favorite place on Earth.
• for the email from someone from my home town who saw a photo I posted that I took while in high school. They used to wander through those pine woods and wanted a copy of the photograph. I have no idea who that person is and I have to wonder...
• for the yogic videos I found last night on YouTube. They brought me to center and the most peaceful place of gratitude.
• that today might be another odd day but I won't have to drink to handle any of it
• that Dave sold his T-Bird and is jealous of my red shoes

In recovery, we resumed our emotional and spiritual development where it had stopped. It is liberating to know that how we feel about something is important. We can follow our interests and pursue our commitments. We need not be ruled by others' feelings. With our regular pattern of taking our inventory, praying, and meditating, we are developing a relationship with ourselves, which builds character and maturity. ~Touchstones

05.20.09

On a day-at-a-time basis, I am confident I can stay away from a drink for one day. So I set out with confidence. At the end of the day, I have the reward of achievement. Achievement feels good and that makes me want more! ~Daily Reflections

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Today I am grateful...

• that I love the psychedelic art from the 1960s and this morning accidentally ran into a site playing Riders on the Storm. How I love that song.
• for sweet, black coffee
• to strive for humility and responsibility, my spiritual status depends on it
• to keep enough free space in my mind so that anything new has a chance to settle in
• that today I have a 'thought life' which I would never have thought possible
• that I never did hallucinogens

Thoughts have power. Thoughts are energy. You can make your world or break it by your thinking. ~Susan Taylor

New Red Shoes!!!

Something Blue for Pam

05.19.09

Imagine living in your head, untrue to your heart.
Imagine the pain of separation.
Imagine the depth of the longing for peace.
~G. Carol

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Today I am grateful...

• that today should line up just right in the history of my life
• that there is always room for improvement
• that I got new red suede shoes in the mail yesterday, but you don't have to be jealous (although you probably will be)
• for recognition of a Higher power that sustains my life and sustains my future
• that I am not hung over trying to make it through a day or an hour or a minute at a time. Instead I am in recovery, and not alone, in my one day at a time lifestyle.

This atmosphere of approval and praise is apt to be so exhilarating as to put us off balance by creating an insatiable appetite for more of the same. Or we may be tipped over in the other direction when, in rare cases, we get a cool and skeptical reception. This will tempt us to argue, or to press our point insistently. Or maybe it will tempt us to discouragement and pessimism. But if we have prepared ourselves well in advance, such reactions will not deflect us from our steady and even purpose. ~12 & 12, p. 85

America's Youngest Gay Rights Activist: 9-Year-old Ethan McNamee

Ethan McNAmee, a third-grader at Montclair Elementary School in Denver, organized a rally for marriage equality and delivered a speech at the Colorado State Capitol on Saturday:
"He was concerned about the issue after hearing about anti-gay remarks on the playground and then learning about a same sex couple in his neighborhood that couldn't get married. 'Everybody is different in a good way,' he said. Ethan believes that if two people love each other that is the only issue to be considered. Ethan took it upon himself to arrange the rally and line up the guest speakers. He admitted it was more work then he thought it would be, but adds it was fun."
McNamee's permit was filed under the name of his school teacher Kyle Kimmal, because he's too young to apply for one himself.
According to Denver's ABC7, the conservatives are already on the attack, accusing adults of manipulation.
Watch Ethan's speech, AFTER THE JUMP...

05.18.09

When we see ants and bees out in the world, we often see just one, but this belies the reality of their situation. More than any other species, ants and bees function as parts of a whole. They cannot and do not survive as individuals; they survive as members of a group, and the group’s survival is the implicit goal of each individual’s life. There is no concept of life outside the group, so even to use the word individual is somewhat misleading. Often, humans, on the other hand, strongly value individuality and often negatively associate ants and bees with a lack of independence. And yet, if we look closer at these amazing creatures, we can learn valuable lessons about how much we can achieve when we band together with others to work for a higher purpose. ~Daily Om

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Today I am grateful...

• to be one among many and to feel right at home there
• that today is fat loading day, the last, and tomorrow I start the calorie restrictive part of the diet. This overloading is making me feel sick and uncomfortable.
• for another alcohol free Monday
• that today will be some one's sobriety date, it will also be the day someone goes back out
• if I do my part today then today's job will be well done

Self-esteem is so delicate a flower that praise tends to make it bloom,while discouragement often nips it in the bud. ~Alex F. Osborn

05.17.09

I have no medical evidence that I have brain damage, but I know this; that good feeling I got after about four beers or a couple of shots; that complete feeling of well-being, self confidence and self acceptance -- happy, joyous and free. That's the exhilaration of brain cells dying. ~Doug D.

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Today I am grateful...

• that I start the second phase of my weight loss plan today
• for the sheer joy of last night's Mr & Ms Lambda contest fundraiser
• for the cool front that came in yesterday afternoon
• for the concept of 'the worst things in my life never happened'
• for lazy, care-free Sundays, which is what I am expecting today

We need to be loved. We need to be held tight, and we need to hold others tight. Many of us are scared, and for good reason. During our using years, we held tight to addiction, but this attachment created serious wounds.

In recovery, first we let go of old behaviors, attitudes, and ideas. Then we grab hold - and hold tight - to the Steps, our sponsor, the fellowship, and the principles of the program. The tighter we attach to recovery, the quicker its care and love become part of our being. The tighter we hold, the deeper the values of recovery get planted into our minds, hearts, and souls.

It is, then, our job to hold on tight and allow the safety of recovery to hold us tight. We need to go to meetings, call our sponsor, read, pray, and meditate regularly, allowing the care found in the Third Step to grab hold of us and heal our wounds. ~Hazelden Thought for the Day

05.16.09

The computer was acting up this morning so I downloaded CCleaner and cleaned it up, had coffee and said my morning prayers. But I didn't have my usual quiet time when I read my meditations and write my gratitude list.

I went to Lambda Center to do my usual bookkeeping (I love that bookkeeping has three double letters together!) and met with my sponsor. We discussed the story in the back The Keys to the Kingdom. She so beautifully describes the 'what it was like, what happened and what it is like now'.

Afterwards I went to lunch with a fellow alkie, we both had the economic stimulus special at our local gay eatery--$8 for a flat iron steak and fries. Yum! We had some bleu cheese alongside. She had TWO stimulus brownies (with ice cream, $1 each).

My jaw is achy and I am a little off center. I have been a little off this entire week, nothing major at all and sometimes hardly noticeable. And certainly nothing like the above photo. Maybe it has to do with Mercury being so retrograde, maybe it's just that time of the month. Anyway, it will pass. And you won't miss my gratitude list too much today.

05.15.09

The way to be respected is to be respectful. The way to be heard is to listen. ~Ralph Marston

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Today I am grateful...

• that I got to sleep last night. I rarely have insomnia, but last night I just could not fall asleep. I watched to see if there were any troubling thoughts and my mind was blank. So blank when I was saying my prayers everything just stopped. I eventually got up and turned on the computer and had a Moo Pop. Thirty minutes later I was back under the covers and I don't even remember my head hitting the pillow.
• that those annoying stitches from where the oral surgeon invaded my jaw fell out just before I brushed my teeth for the first time today. There were two pieces of suture that were about 1/4" long that my tongue could not, would not leave alone
• that I can have this day with no worries about yesterday and no fears about tomorrow
• that honesty, tolerance and true love of man and God makes the daily basis of living a whole lot easier and more fulfilling (thanks, Dave)

Honesty means living by what is true to us. Then we choose when and how to say things to others. Think of honesty as the air we breathe; it's what keeps us alive, but it can get polluted and kill. It must be treated with respect and care. ~Keep It Simple

Abandoned AA Chairs?

05.14.09

Our former tyrant, King Alcohol, always stands ready again to clutch us to him. ~Bill W (in letter)

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Today I am grateful...

• that the commission painting deposit is in the bank
• that I could find something to complain about but it wouldn't make my morning any better
• that there are so many Davids at TLC some of them have nicknames
• that it is so easy to smile. There were days and weeks when I don't think I ever smiled.
• for the Soul Train dancers and the groove line

All of us need something to live for, something that captures our imagination and beckons us on to greater efforts. Achievement in the areas of study and work, commitments to family and community, development of talents and interests--all serve as motivation. Usually, though, we require something more to keep us going. When we become aware of the Spirit, which is constantly available to us through contact with our Higher Power, we are tuned in to the source of our abstinence and of our life. ~Food for Thought

05.13.09

The truth is, any relapse can be your last. Never kid yourself, relapse is part of the disease process, not part of our recovery process. ~Pocket Sponsor

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Today I am grateful...

• for prayers for those who no longer come to meetings at Lambda. There are newcomers that will not know their experience, strength and hope.
• that the ego gets whittled down little by little in the program of AA. Big pieces falling off would be painful.
• that we are all healers when we offer our hand
• for trust in a Higher Power that sustains my life and sustains my future. I don't have to worry about it.
• that there are some things I will never know or understand and that really is okay with me

Small miracles keep offering new opportunities just when I need change and growth. New friends have shown me hidden truths in those sayings that I once found so shallow. The lessons of tolerance and acceptance have taught me to look beyond exterior appearances to find the help and wisdom so often lurking beneath the surface. All my sobriety and growth, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, are dependent upon my willingness to listen, understand, and change. ~Alcoholics Anonymous, page 542

The Phenomenon of Craving

14" x 18", acrylic on canvas

05.12.09

Yesterday was good. I worked a little, napped a little, went to the Monday night Beginner's meeting. A woman, while sharing about all she had lost, said she even had a 3 AM garage sale once. I have never heard of that but I knew instantly what she meant. We all laughed. A lot. Afterward I spoke with my first sponsor. It was really good to see him and I had some questions I knew he could answer, and he did.

I love AA. There is always someone with the answer. Whether we need some spiritual advise, relationship relief or some general question about something out in the real world--someone in AA has an answer. One of the best answers to my problems when I came in was this: You never have to do it alone, ever again. That just sent me into the happy place. That statement, just the knowledge of that truth, has carried me along the path.

I thought about that a lot during the meeting last night. I am not alone. That answers the 'big sad' in my life.

Today I am grateful...

• for the Beginners meeting at Lambda Center
• for the We of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous
• that I did finally get relief last night. As I went to bed my the psoriasis on my lower back started that superintenseIcan'tstoptheitch itch. I have some lidocaine ointment that eventually brings relief, but that kind of itch is so intense it makes me crazy.
• that I'll probably get done today what I need to get done, otherwise it will not get done. Prophetic, right?

When we find our center in the life of the Spirit, we become less concerned about pleasing others. As we grow emotionally and spiritually, we begin to discover our giant Self. Through this program, we can find out who we are and what is pleasing to the best that is in us. ~Food for Thought

05.11.09

I will not seek out unfair treatment today, but neither will I be upset if it occurs. If it does, I'll deal with it as another lesson in my spiritual growth. ~Walk in Dry Places

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Today I am grateful...

• for the feeling of absolute freedom I had all day yesterday. Everything just felt right in my world. I had to watch myself last night because I laughed and smiled so much my jaw started to ache.
• that this morning I have a slight dull ache in my left jaw, otherwise the oral surgery I had Friday was a cakewalk
• that today can be a food scale back day. Yesterday was carb heaven!
• for the power of gratitude, the power of prayer and the power of recovery

In our demanding ways, we haven't wanted life to be a process; we have wanted to reach a secure point of arrival. We have struggled against the dialogue and learning process of experience. We've looked for a "fix" and for perfection. Even now in recovery we long to "get it right." We continue to learn and to grow, but the lessons we learn are not the things we expected. We grieve the lateness of our learning, and then we go on to learn more. ~Touchstones

No Title

I found this comment:
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And I thought it was only transgender people who made me queasy; now I find another group of people who make me gag!
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on THIS post. And it almost made me spot my panties.

Happy Mother's Day!

Mom and Me, 1955

05.10.09

After learning to surrender in the First Step of this program, we are ready to yield to messages of acceptance. ~Touchstones

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Today I am grateful...

• that all the pudding cups are emptied and in the trash
• that this morning my jaw feels fairly normal, but I will take some Tylenol just in case
• that the dream I had of throwing my chair at someone during an AA meeting was just a dream
• that you may not care for Joan Rivers, but you gotta admit she is 'fierce!'
• to know today that I left no unfinished business with my mother. She passed on ten years ago last Sunday. She knew I loved her and respected her. She was a great lady.
• to wish all you mothers out there a Thank You and a Happy Mother's Day

If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I would relax, I would limber up, I would be crazier than I've been on this trip. I know very few things I'd take seriously any more. I'd certainly be less hygienic ... I would take more chances, I would take more trips, I would scale more mountains, I would swim more rivers, and I would watch more sunsets. I would eat more ice cream and fewer beans. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones. Oh, I've had my moments, and if I had to do it all over again, I'd have many more of them, in fact I'd try not to have anything else, just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of my day. If I had it to do all over again, I'd travel lighter, much lighter than I have. I would start barefoot earlier in the spring, and I'd stay that way later in the fall. I would ride more merry-go-rounds, and catch more gold rings, and greet more people and pick more flowers and dance more often... --Jose Luis Borges

I saw this today on Montrose Blvd on her way to the Art Car Parade

Whew!

• cut my hair, showered and was at the oral surgeon's by 12:15
• he loaded me up with three vials of Novocaine (or the equivalent)
• he started on me at 12:30. Sawed the tooth in half (the root was dog legged) and dug a lot, put in synthetic bone graft and sewed me up
• I was on I-10 headed back into town by 12:45! Seriously!
• I got almost to Walgreen's and the engine was overheating and steaming
• I stopped on the side of a shady street for a few minutes for it to cool down a bit
• I then ran stop signs to get to my mechanic
• Ran picked me up and took me to Walgreen's where I got pudding, Diet A&W Root Beer and filled the painkiller and antibiotic prescriptions
• rested at Ran's until the car was ready at 3:30
• called So to tell her it all went well
• I had left the A/C on low and it was cool in here when I got back
• I am gonna enter the debit card amounts for the past two days into my check book
• then I'm gonna take a nap

05.08.09

Imagine once, and you have a glimpse. Imagine continuously, again and again with the power of your passion, and what you imagine becomes real. Reality is imagination that has persisted through every doubt. Imagination focuses energy and substance into the expression of its specific vision. What can you imagine? What will you continue to imagine until it becomes a part of your world? Imagination has no limits. The future is as bright as you sincerely imagine it to be. ~Ralph Marston

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Today I am grateful...

• that barring any unforeseen circumstances today the oral surgeon will take care of this bothersome tooth
• that in that chair I will repeat to myself, "This too shall pass". That statement has helped me tremendously in sobriety.
• for desk fans and ceiling fans, a necessity for summertime
• that last night was the shaky first episode of The Fashion Show
• that most stuff works out better when I am able to stand out of the way

We can help others by honestly telling them what we think and feel and see---but only when we do this with love. We must be careful when we speak. Speaking the truth is like using a sharp knife---it can be used for good, or it can be used to hurt others. We should never handle it carelessly of use it to hurt someone. ~Keep It Simple

05.07.09

I am not bound or limited by anything that was ever done or said to me. I face the day with self-confidence and a sense of expectancy, knowing that I am really a fortunate person with many reasons to be grateful. ~Walk in Dry Places'

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Today I am grateful...

• that it sounds like I have gotten a big commission
• that I can relax in my life. I do not want to be rushed any more--if I can help it.
• that if my experience of time passing keeps accelerating like it has, then some day I will get whip lash
• that there is a solution, and it is vastly more than that
• for Bunny's dog attitude. Dogs have to be the happiest creatures God ever made.
• for the rooms full of laughter and tears, growth and spiritual development
• for prayers for those who are suffering

Resentment, fear and anger are related; resentment is the feeling I have when I remember that I didn't get my way in the past. Fear is the feeling I have when I don't think I'll get my way in the future. And anger is the feeling I have when I don't get my way right now! ~Doug D.

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If you hate the whole human race yet demand it's approval at the same time...Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous! ~Charlie C.

05.06(.07.08).09

When you see the heights of accomplishment and personal evolution you can attain when you walk through your fears, your faith in yourself will grow, allowing your next step to be easier. ~DailyOm

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Today I am grateful...

• that although I sort of expected the oral surgeon to remove this broken tooth, it won't happen until Friday (it has to be drilled in half, then removed and a bone graft put in place). I agonized about doing it that day or waiting for the next available time in two weeks. Best to get it over with.
• for knowing Houston well enough to know shortcuts through its congested streets. Yesterday on the West Loop (one of the busiest roads in the US) the traffic was crawling, but I was able to exit and take a couple back streets to make my way to a fast moving thoroughfare.
• that I know some big words like thoroughfare
• for my copy of Baraka that came in the mail yesterday. It was a great meditation to watch on the big TV. I love that snow monkey.

Exposing our feelings makes us vulnerable, and we often fear that we will be hurt or rejected. We may be trying to preserve a false image of ourselves as self-sufficient and free of problems. Whatever the reasons for our unwillingness to communicate, we are cheating ourselves. By "clamming up," we cut ourselves off from the care and support of those who love us. Honest sharing between individuals opens the way for growth and change. By expressing our thoughts and feelings out loud to another person, we become better able to understand and deal with whatever is bothering us. More important, we deepen our relationships with family and friends when we are willing to communicate on a meaningful level. ~Food for Thought

05.05.09

Hurry and busyness are forms of self-will. Deluded by an exaggerated sense of our own importance, we deem it crucial to perform all tasks and activities according to our personal schedule. Impatient with traffic tie-ups, other people's slowness, or unavoidable delays, we make ourselves tense and miserable by our refusal to accept life as it comes. ~Food for Thought

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Today I am grateful...

• for the relief of calling another alcoholic to help me get through my wonkiness
• for the Beginners meeting last night. It was one of those times I really did not want to be sitting there discussing the first step again. But as I sat with my decision to stay put the message of hope and what the program of AA has given to me came through loud and clear. By the end of the meeting I was teary and emotional and entirely grateful for what I have been given. Someone I used to hang out with was there and took a desire chip. It took me a few minutes to remember why he was so familiar. He had alcohol on his breath, but he had a brand new Big Book and a 12&12 under his arm as he left.
• that life as I know it today is different than the life I used to know
• that yesterday phase 1 of my week's dental stuff is over, today I go to the oral surgeon

[W]hat comes to us alone may be garbled by our own rationalization and wishful thinking. The benefit of talking to another person is that we can get his direct comment and counsel on our situation. . . ~Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

05.04.09

What if the interests of the self were expanded to ... a God's eye view of the human scene ... accepting failure as being as natural an occurrence as success in the stupendous human drama... as little cause for worry and concern as having to play the role of a loser in a summer theater performance.—Huston Smith

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Today I am grateful...

• that I have guides to direct me when I am emotionally confused
• for patience. I can always use more patience.
• for the role gratitude has played in making my life what it is today. I am not on sure footing this morning, things seem a little wobbly, but the faith and trust I have gained as a result of practicing gratitude make me aware I will survive life's little twists and turns. That will allow me to relax.

It is the work of a lifetime to develop to full stature spiritually. This is what I am on earth for. It gives meaning to my life. ~Twenty-Four Hours a Day

05.03.09

I must aim at overcoming myself in my daily life and then I will find there is nothing in me that remembers injury, because the only thing injured, my selfishness, is gone. ~Twenty=Four Hours a Day

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Today I am grateful...

• that I got my work done yesterday morning, but QuickBooks is challenging for me and after battling it for over four hours I finally got the deposit saved (with some outside help)
• for a studio visit here from a friend
• that we went up to the 11th Street galleries. We saw some really good, inspiring art.
• that I actually slept for nine hours last night. It has been forever since I was able to do that.
• that this morning I will go back to the Lambda office to print off statements, then hit the Came to Believe meeting

And then, one ill-defined day, one day that I can't recall, I stepped across the line that alcoholics know so well, and from that day on, drinking was miserable. When a few drinks made me feel good before I went over that line, those same drinks now made me feel wretched. In an attempt to get over that feeling, there was a quick onslaught of a greater number of drinks, and then all was lost. Alcohol failed to serve the purpose. ~Physical Heal Thyself, Alcoholics Anonymous

05.02.09

All this wishy washy touchy feely happy smiley stuff is sentimentally sickening and truly pukeworthy not to mention outright disgusting. Be a little pessimistic and complain and grumble a bit to show some personality and class, you fool. ~comment left overnight by Anonymous--a mean, emotionally stunted, petty tyrant--on my post of 03/03/09
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Today I am grateful...

• that I do not have to hide behind anonymity to let my frustrations out
• for a Saturday at my disposal. Some work, some rest, some art galleries tonight.
• that my HP always directs me back to center
• that I get to go shopping today at my favorite store, Texas Art Supply!
• that the tough week is behind me
  

We've had problems in our lives with limits. We have done some things to excess and others we have endlessly postponed. Sometimes we haven't had good judgment about what we ought to tell someone or whom we ought to tell. We may have kept secrets that made us lonely and sick. Other times we exposed too much in inappropriate situations and hurt someone else or ourselves. Developing these internal limits is a quiet change that comes with recovery. Gradually, we gain a stronger feeling of self-respect and become more intuitive about when to express something and when not to.
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Secrets are links in our chains of bondage to isolation, addiction, and codependency. Yet, when we are compelled to tell everything, we lack the feeling of self-containment that comes from maturity. We need a sense of privacy, which is the freedom to choose what and when to confide in a friend. What does our intuition tell us today about our privacy and our openness?
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Today, I will listen to my inner messages about what I need to discuss with others and when I need to withhold. ~Food for Thought

05.01.09

Shine brighter than the sun and liken your heart to the flight of a butterfly. Attitude makes a big difference. ~Unknown

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Today I am grateful...

• for restful sleep. The last two days wore me out!
• for freedom from worry. I do not worry nearly as much as I used to before my life changed due to the remarkable program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
• that gratitude is self-propelling
• to strive for humility and responsibility, my spiritual status depends on it
• to keep enough free space in my mind so that anything new has a chance to settle in

I had nowhere else to go. I crept into the meeting I'd gone to before I'd decided I could still drink. I'd hit rock-bottom. Drinking and sobriety were both unbearable. I sat in the back row, ready to flee again. There was an odd man who I'd seen before at the meeting. He never mixed with anyone. He'd spotted me come in and after a time he came and sat closer than I'd seen him sit next to anyone - still a few rows away, but close for him. Anyway, I stayed through to the end of the meeting. I didn't hear much, I sat there, lost, not knowing what to do, where to go. I noticed this man had moved closer, four or five seats away, and he said: 'Are you all right?' I said, ' It hurts.' And he said; 'I know.' Then he moved off. That's all I could have taken then. And that's all it took: One alcoholic reaching out the hand of AA to another. No matter how shaky either hand was. - Anonymous