Friday, November 18, 2005
To Walk with Giants
Freedom. gouache on illo board, 2005
Seven hundred thirty-one days have passed since I walked back in the front door of Lambda Center. It was all over. No more fighting it, no more fearing it. There was no more time for making excuses to myself. This was the surrender. I had to surrender if I wanted any chance to win.
The door closed behind me. I sat down and got to work. I listened. I went to meetings every day. I did what was suggested. I prayed. I got a sponsor. I began to work the steps again. I came early and stayed late. I sat on the side and saw a room full of gay men and lesbians that had found a way to live sober. And I wanted what they had.
'I' found the 'we' of the program. I realized I did not have to do it alone. All the weight of the fear I had carried all my life seemed to lift and I could breath again. And I lived, really lived a whole year.
Today, at the two year mark in my sobriety, I have the experience of walking with giants. For the first time in this life I feel I am doing the work I was meant to be doing. The veil of illusion gets thinner. The presence of a higher power is palpable as my faith builds. My prayers are prayers of gratitude. I have all I need. I am truly blessed.
...and I cannot say what has happened to me, except, I am not the same.