10.01.05

10. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. This is the tenth promise listed in Alcoholics Anonymous.

My fear of people has decreased markedly, what has not decreased is my fear of economic insecurity. Custom manufacturing depends on receiving a deposit check from a client for the business to prosper. Right now there is no check in our hands and that sets up a chain of thought events that makes me crazy. There is one good thing to this on again off again feeling of insecurity--it places smack dab in front of me the issue of trust. I must constantly face this issue with prayer, turning it over and doing the next right thing. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with what my part is in the action part of this issue. And often times I cannot tell what is the next right thing for me to do.

Every night for over fifty-one years I have laid my head down on the pillow and had, for that day, all I needed. I have no reason to doubt I won't be provided for--except for my own brand of mental illness. I have operated from a base of fear all my life--today and every day I ask to live honestly and authentically--and it's one day at a time for acceptance with regards to putting all I have learned into practice. For some reason I choose to hold close to me something that is painful. I am afraid to surrender one hundred percent.

Yesterday's noon and 8 pm meetings were hand-in-hand topically. Fear and accepting/dealing with where we are at the moment. Last night was one of the rare occasions where I needed to get to a meeting. I arrived late and sat on the back row by the door. I have trouble hearing in the big room, but I sat there and was quiet for almost an hour and it was comfortable. Afterwords I spoke a bit with my sponsor and my friend AP. She was in listen mode and I talked at length with her about what is going on. This position sets me right in the middle of two sides that are equal in weight and I cannot see the solution. All I can do is what I have been doing: praying, going to meetings, talking to others about what is going on and keep that trust/turning it over thing front and center.

Another issue for me lately has been Chester's health. Last night after doing some research I now know he has Cognitive Dysfunction Syndrome (elderly dog Alzheimer's). His blindness and his walking in endless circles, banging head on into everything, getting trapped by corners and his continuing feebleness are breaking my heart. To see such an innocence being trapped in this makes my psyche hurt. The only comfort is that I am pretty sure he is unaware of enough to make it tough for him, but I don't know that for sure.

I am going to toast a bagel for breakfast and take the car to the Round Up fundraiser car wash while I attend the Silent Journey meeting (an 11th step/meditation meeting) and try to stock up on some serenity.

And I am grateful for this pain. I am grateful I am not willing, nor have the desire, to pour alcohol over it to make it ease. I know this is where my heart expands and that without pain there can be no real growth.