Thursday Funnies

Two drunks are sitting at a bar, getting wasted. There's a dog over in thecorner licking and licking his crotch like there's no tomorrow. The first drunk points to the dog and says, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that." And the second drunk says, "I bet if you ask that dog real nice, he'd let you."

One evening a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar in order to catch potential drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a man come stumbling out of the bar, sway across the street and try his keys on five different cars before he found his own. He sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off.

Finally the man started his engine and began to drive off. The police officer, waiting for the man the whole time, stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how this was possible. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to lick them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."