The Spoken and the Unspoken

A recent post on my littermate Dave's blog inspired some thought on my part. He writes about spirituality and how when he entered the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous how the sight of the references to God in the steps put him off. "I had little respect for the church then and not much more now." This I understand. Organized religion that teaches hate or anything other than total respect for other human beings and their faith always went against my thinking.

As a teenager I distanced myself from the church and thought that religion was for the weak minded. Years passed and I began to think that if there was anything to this God thing, then whatever power that was, must be what makes me what I am. That there should be no separation of me and that power.

In 1984 I attended a talk by Swami Chidvilasananda in Houston. She came into the room and took her seat. She said "Baba (Muktananda, who brought meditation to the west from India) said the basic tenant of Siddha Yoga is that God dwells within you as you." I was stunned. I was hearing exactly what I had been thinking for years. I quietly sobbed for the rest of that program.

I became closely involved with Siddha Yoga for several years, taking meditation intensives in Houston, South Fallsburg, NY, Santa Monica and Ganeshpuri, India. I read Baba's books. I attended satsang at local centers where we meditated and chanted the names of God. I discovered that there were people of all faiths in Siddha Yoga. The president of the SYDA foundation at that time was the preacher of the largest church in Harlem. There were priests and nuns, Jews and Christians and people of all faiths, new agers, lots of gay men and lesbians, Indians--all had been on a search for their own experience of spirituality. There were no follow ups by members to new comers; if you got it great, if you didn't that was okay too. There was no mission to convert anyone. There was no passing of collection plates.

My honeymoon in Siddha Yoga lasted for several years. The teachings tend to draw you in, let you immerse yourself in them and then push you back into the world. We all have to live in the world, so why not? The understandings I got during those years changed forever the way I see the world, life and death. It showed me there is more to life than the one we have in this current body. The soul, being eternal and a component of the divine, choices a life to learn certain lessons.

In this body, in this lifetime, I have lessons to learn. It seems the main lesson for me is to regain a connection to the divine. There are, of course, other lessons for me...anger, acceptance, love for humanity. There is also my alcoholism, and I have only come to glimpse what this is to teach me. What I do know is that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous has thrown off many of the hard layers that kept me separate from others and has opened me up to acceptance of myself.

When I entered the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous the God thing did not put me off. I had taken my spirituality and placed it on a shelf. I had, in just a few years, gone down a dark and self confining road to hell. That shelf where I placed my spirituality got so dusty as to be hidden from me. All the work I have done in my life, all the suffering I put myself through, all the self loathing and fear, all of it prepared me for where I am today and where I am going tomorrow.

I am not sufficient at vocabulary to put on paper a way to convey what I really feel. Hell, sometimes I don't know what I feel. What I do know is that the program I have now has given me a way to chisel away at all the stuff that has kept me separate from the divine, has given me a new life. I truly wish I could eloquently describe my feelings and thoughts and maybe one day I will be able, but until then I will work as has been suggested to me. When that day arrives probably all I will be able to do is to smile at you, and in that smile will say all that I am not able to say today.
Gurumayi Chidvilasananda