12.29.04

It is distressing to hear of fires and violence. There seems to be an excess of both during this time of year. So many people will experience pain and/or suffering today. The human condition is fragile and we are not shown how to deal with its frailty at a young age. So we stumble, and some of us do not make it to that place that lets us live a comfortable life. I have had received a gift that lets me discover, with the support of my fellows, how to live the best life possible. I only have to follow a few basic suggestions, trust, turn it over and let it go. And I have to keep going back to that source of support, whether it be a meeting, a phone call, an internet chat, the comfort of old friends, prayer or reading and contemplation. All in all I have scored a pretty good deal.

When I was young I once asked my mother how the universe could go on forever, and if it didn't go on forever, if it stops some place, what is on the other side? Her response was 'Honey, we aren't supposed to think about that.' I didn't think it unusual to think about those things. Neither made sense, yet I felt one of them must be true. This reflects what a lot of my life has been about, opposites. Sometime at about three months sober I realized that I have constantly struggled with opposites. My mom was quiet and demure, my dad was outgoing and had what he described as the gift of gab. In my world I was attracted to boys, in the outside world an attraction to boys was shunned. With every barb I threw at another, I was cut. With every set of opposites I carried or was set against created an ongoing battle. Constantly fighting these battles left no room for any peace inside. One day a thought washed through my mind, that if I am constantly fighting I cannot be present in the continuous moment. I knew I had to be able to stand in the middle and just watch. Watching from a neutral position, when I am able, allows me to just be. I grew tired of fighting. On November 18, 2003, when I reentered the doors of Lambda the fight was over. I cannot say I recognized what led me to that or when the tide turned that allowed me to surrender. It was an invisible force, for I had no conscious part in it. A psychic change is the best term I have heard for such an experience. It was one of those rare times when I walked through a door and knew there was no way I could go back. I might back up, but there is no way to return to old ways of thought or being after having that experience. Today I am grateful.

Black Mesas, 2004