Off and on lately I have had some free floating blahness. Nothing is up and nothing is down. I am resting comfortably in the middle of the road and after a while those feelings of not feeling anything in particular leave me not knowing what to do. For so many years I used alcohol to numb any feelings, now I am left with not having the experience of handling life when all is okay. High class problem, huh.
This morning I read my meditations, prayed, walked our usual mile, went to a meeting. I did not feel like sharing and didn't when called on. Breakfast with two alcoholics. Chatted with my sister. Surfed illustrators websites and sent out Mother's Day ecards to all the moms in my email address book. It rained. I took a nap with Bunny for an hour and a half. Started and finished a rug design. Had dinner with R and J and watched two episodes of Desperate Housewives with them. We laughed and joked about growing older.
Sitting here tonight a feeling of sadness washed over me. I watched the Interview with God video. Bunny insisted on sitting in my lap and he snuggled against me with such comfort. His head turned under against my belly and with a sigh he settled in further. I remembered Chester and the last time we sat like that for hours on his last day, that day he got his wings. I remembered feeling that trust he had with me. And I remembered my mom and felt how much I miss her. How she would pat my leg for the longest time and then just let her hand rest there. Her tiny, delicate hand.
As a spiritual being, having the human experience occasionally catches me off guard and I can close my eyes and just be there, having that experience, and a little tear will squeeze its way out. My heartbeat seems closer than ever. That experience is so intimate. It's the stuff poets and sages write about, artists create about. And I sit there within that moment and want for it to continue, to keep that feeling alive. I can manage it for a while, then it just slips away.
It'll be back.
4 comments:
Does God have a press kit? Cool movie.
Scott
I love that slide show, I have seen it many times. I know the feelings that you were talking about too and while I long for them to stick around...God has other plans for me :) Thanks for being you !
I don't know about this video that you speak of. You have such a tender heart my friend. Dogs really know who they can trust...I find that they usually are right on with that. Lucky Bunny to have YOU.
i appreciate what you wrote, and that you seem to understand it's a process and there isn't anything "one can do about it". i forget that a lot and my ocd takes over.
moments are so important.
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