This morning, in that state of waking where you are not really awake and not still asleep I knew I had drunk. I felt the guilt and the craving and the need to cover it up and all that other stuff. It slowly crept in that it had been a dream and what immediately upset me was that an old timer in AA had poured it for me and my choice was something I would never have drunk back in my drinking days, vodka. I could clearly see how in the dream I decided it would be better to make the craving go away and just deal with the guilt later. Bunny, sensing it was time to play, started going after my hand and I had to make him stop because I knew what I had to do: PRAY. I thanked God that it was only a dream, being thankful that the craving and obsession had been removed. I had to say these over and over before all the feelings gave up. Not a fun way to start my day.
Today I am grateful...
- that the vodka and grapefruit was only a dream
- that the dream residue is, for the most part, gone and with it the fear that the craving would persist
- that we have the first woman as Speaker of the House. I think it is past time for some feminine energy in the leadership of our country.
- for a late holiday lunch with Dennis R
- for early morning emails from Matt and sister So
- for new episodes last night of Ugly Betty and My Name is Earl
- that it's early enough that I can go back to bed and take a short nap and start my day over. Maybe this headache will leave as well.
Today secure in the love of the fellowship, we can finally look another human being in the eye and be grateful for who we are. ~ NA Basic Text
9 comments:
my friend, while I do not envy you, having this drunk dream I do envy you the experience of "having relapsed, but not having relapsed." As unpleasant as it all is, it's a great reminder of the power of this disease, the feelings of guilt, remorse and so forth. While I never enjoy those dreams either, it's a great way to experience a smidge of what it must feel like to relapse.
I hope you're able to ditch the headache, and enjoy your day after the rough start!
peace to you my friend!
I think these dreams are just little reminders form our HP. I recently had my first smoking dream. It was so real, but I was so grateful that it was only a dream.
My DVR didn't record Ugly Betty last night! I hope they show it again on Saturday!
I still get those dreams no and then, and when I do... its weird for me in my dream, because I drink, by choice, and in my dream I am like oh well... WTF???? and when I wake, and in that sleep/awake phaze, I feel guilty and unsure for a minute if I really did it or not... and relieved once I realize it was a dream. They still happen, and I dont get as upset, or question myself like I used to... THANK GOD... I would get upset because in my dream it was like I didnt care, and would do the worry thing, like subconsciosly I dont care about my sobriety... whichs is not true... because I know I do.
It makes me grateful, that today I am clean and sober, have this wonderful life, and this wonderful program to help me stay on track spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically
I am glad you started your day over Scott... hugs and have a maravolous day
Hey, ((Scott)). I had a couple of those, 2 nights in a row recently. I'm still pretty new (only 118 days sober now), so I don't know what it means when people with a lot of years sober have them. To me, it was a wake-up call that my thinking and actions (or lack of action) were straying again into dangerous territory, but I know that's not the case for you.
I still have smoking dreams, and I haven't smoked for 20+ years. When I wake from those, sometimes I do have a craving, but like dAAve, when the fog clears, I'm just really grateful that it's only a dream. I think dAAve's take on it is pretty valid. Whatever the reason is that we have the dream, it's probably our HP's way of getting our attention about something. Figuring out what is the kicker. Or, it could just be something you ate. :D
Gee, I got it too. I guess those dreams are for us to evaluate ourselves. It's scary sometime but we know where we stand!
Dreams or no dream, just be clean and sober.
Greeting from Malaysia.
I think drunk dreams are blessings. It reminds me of why I do all this crap - go to meetings, call my sponsor, be a sponsor, etc., etc.. Our forgetters work really well.
Well I say...."If you have a drunk dream" just enjoy it. Your mind wants a drink, you won't give your mind a drink, and so it sneaks out for one while you're sleeping. When you wake up, just tell your head "I hope you had a good time last night....cause I'm taking your ass to a meeting."
amen to "feminine energy in the leadership of our country" in da house....
i hate dreams like that and the way they make you feel upon waking. it's good you prayed and started your day over again. that is such an awesome freedom that we have.
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