Just got home from a meeting on humility and powerlessness. And I am grumpy.
Some days the best I can do is try to honor a power greater than myself. Some days I can do that easily. Others, like today, when I wake up tired or bothered by some unseen force, I can move through the world quietly and then be confronted by something that sends me into orbit. I can go quietly into the stratosphere or with rocket boosters that would launch the space shuttle. Then I am muttering to myself that sick stuff like why does a minor inconvenience to me or my world make my wig spin out of control, that stuff that asks me why can't I be a better person than that. That stuff that used to send me to the bottle. That disease stuff.
So what that the yard man had my car blocked when I was ready to leave for the meeting. So what that I had to park down the street when I returned because his truck was still there. So what, as Mary said 'He has to get stuff out of his truck'. So what? The what is that I am still extremely susceptible to bouts of extreme mental illness. It's why I drank to the excesses I did, it's why I am in recovery, it's why I go to meetings, it's why I pray to a power greater than myself.
I have kidded myself at times about being humble. I may have had some minor glimpses of it. But it's hard (impossible?) to be humble and self-centered at the same time. I either want you to notice me or not be able to see me. I have ridden the 'egomaniac with low self esteem' fence for a long time and today it is totally wearing me out.
Today I need to be in acceptance. Today I need to get right with my higher power. Today I am totally uncomfortable.
When I complain about me or you, I am complaining about God's handiwork. I am saying I know better than God. p449, Alcoholics Anonymous
'Serenity is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it.' I am not sure where that came from, but it is written at the top of page 449 in my Big Book. And that's it. Today I do not have that serenity I often have. It will return. Maybe not today, but probably tomorrow. Until then I will watch the Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired stuff. And pray some more. And take a nap. And thank God for redirecting my thoughts and my feelings.
About Me
There are two dogs inside, the one you feed is the one that grows.
6 comments:
scott :: i was hoping you might post some pictures from last night's pagent. none of mine came out too well. i was running low on batteries...
LOL....are you saying I have yellow nails?
and this is why we are allowed to begin our day ALL OVER again at any point
I love you bro. I just wanted you to know that. We all have our days...Lord knows I'm having mine but it is getting better.
I see you,
JJ
I really identify with these words, "I may have had some minor glimpses of it. But it's hard (impossible?) to be humble and self-centered at the same time. I either want you to notice me or not be able to see me."
To ditto JJ, we do have our days. I forget that a lot and think it means "I'm not doing something right". My God doesn't expect me to be perfect, and I think it is what he loves about me the most, that I am human.
You do a LOT of good Scott with your messages you send out to all of us in the blog circle. You are allowed to be human :)
I like this post, a LOT.
'Serenity is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it.' Adding this to my tool box ..thanks
Post a Comment