08.03.05

I have to write this down, now.

Intellectual knowing versus experience, then intellectual knowing and experience. Both of those sentence segments end with experience. Today what I need is more experience with trust. Trust that I won't be dropped by my Higher Power, trust that all is as it should be. And I know, intellectually, the missing key when I am in fear, the root of most any trouble with my mind, is acceptance. Until I can accept what is bothering me--only then will I have any serenity (see page 449 of the book Alcoholics Anonymous).

I am grateful today knowing that tonight I will lay my head on the pillow and will have been given all I need for this day. That has happened every day and every night for over fifty-one years. I am sober. I have relatively good health, food in the pantry, a roof over my head, Snowy to carry me around, a solid foundation with my program, loved ones and a gratitude list that goes on and on.

It's that time period of not knowing exactly how something will play out that pulls the rug out from underneath me. The rug really hasn't been pulled, it's my perception that it might happen. That's the work of my shitty committee and that's the stuff of which I want to be spiritually fit enough that it slides off my back. I need some God Scotchguard today. Prayer, acceptance, some good coffee, a noon meeting where I will be able to hear the story of another alcoholic, a little fellowship, a visit to Randall in the hospital this afternoon (he is coming home Thursday!!!), some food for nourishment and a big focus on turning it over and letting it go TODAY--will carry me across the river of fear.

Today I am grateful to be sober. In the past I would be searching for quick and easy fixes. Today I get to have the experience of walking through fear. That adds another day to my sober history.