Quiet minds can not be perplexed or frightened, but go on in fortune or misfortune at their own pace, like a clock during a thunderstorm. -Robert Louis Stevenson
When I surrendered and re-entered the doors of AA a certain calmness followed me. That calmness of mind has, to my delight, stayed with me for over eighteen months. A lot of the old demons of self-esteem and fear have stayed at bay, the incoherent babblings of the shitty committee have quieted a lot. I nourish the calm by attending meetings regurarly, talking with others in recovery, prayer and meditation and lots of free, quiet time for myself and writing about gratitude. This blanket of calm has truly been one of the greatest gifts I have ever received.
Yesterday that sea of calm was tested by the ripples of old thinking and old behavior. There were two small resentments building, against another and against myself. I carried this fear and loathing with me like it was some fragile thing that needed protecting. I knew I was carrying it and I said the Serenity Prayer over and over. Yet I couldn't let it go. Intellectually I knew the problem I was having with another seemingly was threatening my security financially and that I was seeing myself in their behavior. I was also visited by the results of my own sloth, having hurriedly finished with a project that resulted in what could have had some major consequences. Instead of being grateful that the mistake was caught I let it burrow into my psyche like some demonic beetle. I tried over and over to let it go. I went through a mental gratitude list. I was grateful foremost for my sobriety. But I was uncomfortable.
After I got home I distracted myself by reading DoughGirl's blog and others. I ate some dinner. I asked my Higher Power to release me from these fears. I went to R and J's for some TV. On the way over I forced myself to not be agitated by other drivers. I turned off the radio.
Somewhere during the middle of Jeopardy I got outside of myself. Some entertainment to engage my mind, I had hardly any of the right answers to any of the questions and some jocularity with others. I slowly was able to just let go of those anxious and demanding feelings. After I got home I had a long conversation with my HP. I think I fell asleep during and hope I carried it with me as I slept. I woke this morning refreshed and removed from the identification with those behaviors. I have an amends to make and some conversation about what I need ahead of me. I knew all that troublesome stuff would be dealt with, it was the interim I had to survive. And I did. I relied on the tools of my program and was able to have the presence of mind, even during a storm, to focus on the calmness in the eye of the storm.
4 comments:
Baby,
WE weather the storms of life together in AA even when though most are only in our head. I will look forward to our hug today and talking.
Love,
Dennis R.
Glad you feel better. You done good. It's amazing what we can let go if we just give it some thought and time. Love you.
good on ya scoot
the few times i've had those insane thoughts during my sobriety, i too go to sleep while praying, and have woken up with all of it gone.
i've looked inside the pillowcase and around the edge of the bed, but it's never there. maybe the cats take it all away and hide it, huh?
Many a night I have fallen asleep saying my ABC's to the HP. I am grateful for people like you who so eloquently express themselves for other's to read and learn. Thanks Scott. BTW...DG's blog looks marvelous and I've got that blog envy going on again.
Peace - JJ
And the answer to your question is 6/9/04
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