Hump Day

Hump Day means it's time for a speaker meeting. Yeah! I love to hear people tell their story and today we had the privilege of hearing Norris speak. I love Norris, and this is the third time I have heard his autobiography. Each time it's the same story but told in a different way and always with aplomb. He spoke of his childhood and the fantasy world he created to escape the real world. I, too, had a reality of my own creation and it often times co-starred my sister. We created Matchbox Cities, played with our troll dolls, had adventures in the Forbidden City and played fire gods when we burned the trash in the incinerator.

Being the sensitive and artistic gay youngster I had to find outlets in which my mind could wander so I would have a better feeling of security. I never felt like I fit in with the traditional American ideal of masculine gender. I wasn't athletic like my brother who was two years younger. My dad used to constantly compare me to him, asking me why I couldn't be more like him. The very odd thing about this is that I have no memory, at all, of Dad saying these things to me. It is only through reports from my sister that I know this happened. But it explains a lot. She did not tell me this until I was, I think, in my mid-thirties. Feeling like the outcast and knowing that I just didn't add up had a definite effect on me. Today one of the main things I struggle with is the feeling that I am not worthy. There have been very few times in my life when I felt like I was apart of, I have usually felt apart from.

But today I am feeling more a part of. This is due mainly to the fact that I am living my life with a purpose and with honesty and integrity. And this is not something that came to me out of the blue, it came to me as a part of getting sober and truly wanting to stay sober. For me to stay sober I had to get humble. I had to get to that point where I had to let go. Let all of IT go and turn all of IT over to a power greater than myself. I really have to practice turning IT over and letting IT go because it is far from natural for me to trust that what I need will be provided. There has never in my life been a night when I put my head down on the pillow that I have not been given what I need for that day. But I could never see things that way. I truly believed that if I expected the worse that this somehow would ward off the worst happening. Today this seems pretty fucked up.

I try hard to work the program of Alcoholics Anonymous as suggested. I have a hard time sharing at the group level but I do talk to other alcoholics and to close friends that truly get what I am doing and that support me unconditionally. I am continuing to come to believe that a power greater than myself can and is restoring me to sanity--soundness of mind. And since this is a WE program I don't have to do any of this alone and that gives me great strength.

I want to let go of that hurt child that grew into an adult body and at the same time hold on to that child that was full of wonder. So every day it is one day at a time. That's all. Just one twenty-four hour stretch at a time. Then there is sleep time, so take about eight hours away from that. So that's sixteen hours. Then take away a couple of hours of meeting time and fellowship and that leaves fourteen. Take away some more for reading my daily meditations, some prayer time, some time really enjoying food, and the time I spend laughing. Every day I truly relish the sober life. I have a lot to be grateful for and I don't discount it one bit.