Leave me alone!

That used to be my battle cry.

I don't know how many times in recovery I have surprised myself by saying yes instead of saying no. I have pushed myself over that line that keeps me separate from others. There have, of course, been times when I have not answered the phone or declined an invitation because I was too scared to say yes. There have also been times where I have said no because I just needed to be with myself.

My friend Dave at Higher Powered wrote on this subject today. It can be a really painful place to be. Frightening. It can make you doubt your program. It can be deadly.

After we have been immersed in the program of AA, and if we are working it in a healthy way (doing the steps, going to meetings, working with a sponsor) we live the answer. This disease is a motherfucker and it will do all it can to convince us that we can drink or use or isolate or any other number of unhealthy things.

I believe this disease uses the ego as its vehicle. Not some little sedate vehicle like a Ford Escort, but more like a Cadillac Escalade--big and powerful and driven by a bully. We have identified for so long with our ego, mistaking it for our real selves. If you doubt the power of the ego try sitting for ten minutes in meditation. If your mind stays quiet then your ego isn't very powerful, but I would bet your ego will immediately start talking to you, making lists, obsessing over what someone did or playing some old soundtrack. The ego will try any trick in the book to have the upper hand.

What is the ego most afraid of? Humility. Without humility I cannot stay sober. It's the surrendering to win thing. That did not used to make sense to me, until I had the direct experience of it. If I don't fight I can rest in peace. Ego is an arrogant bastard and it will fight. Humility is our best weapon of defense. It is hard for the two to coexist.

The twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are the tools to chisel the ego down to size. We have seen over and over how the program works. Being convinced that others have succeeded in following instructions we follow their lead.

It takes a brave person to talk about their truth, about what is really eating at them. Isolation is just one of many things that work against us. My hat is off to Dave for dusting himself off and getting into action.

Just don't let the medicine choke you! Most of us have been in the same position, some of us live in that position. I would bet that most alcoholics, if called, would jump at the chance to get out of themselves and join another in some 'get out of myself time'. Sometimes that phone weighs 200 pounds, and making contact can be scary. But if we are to get a handle on our disease it means sometimes we have to do things we REALLY don't want to do. --my comment on his site