April N. Paris

My friend Phil in Los Angeles is one of my oldest friends. We call each other Face, among other things. He is Facial Structure and I am Facial Problem. He also goes as Upthere, as that was one of Andy Warhol's favorite expressions and Facial is very fond of Andy. We usually chat over AIM every morning. Following is one of our conversations from a couple of years ago. Italics are explanations of sorts.

facialproblem: g? (g = girl)
Upthereup: g
facialproblem: is that u?
Upthereup: sometimes it is g
facialproblem: lol
facialproblem: thought u were goin for early cock
Upthereup: sometimes I am someone else
facialproblem: me too
facialproblem: oftentimes
Upthereup: J will be here at 6
Upthereup: we are having dinks chere and then a bite to eats (chere = here, also cheer - here)
facialproblem: ic
facialproblem: h (h = hot)
Upthereup: but I have already started now dont u know
facialproblem: i will be at vfg tomorrow
facialproblem: mmmmm hmmmmmmmmmmmm
Upthereup: URSH! (you are so hot)
facialproblem: lol
facialproblem: but i told her i wasnt goin at it like last time
Upthereup: west u, huh g?
facialproblem: took me a week to recooperate
Upthereup: so fancyish
facialproblem: so chic
Upthereup: fash g
Upthereup: so special in nature
facialproblem: it is that
Upthereup: did u go eat?
facialproblem: will be 87 tomorrow then high sunday low 60s
facialproblem: usm (usm = us yes ma'am, pronpunced uh-essum)
facialproblem: adobe
Upthereup: its bean cool here for weeks
facialproblem: sat next to my bf
Upthereup: cold actually
facialproblem: u r a sissy about that g
Upthereup: hotness
Upthereup: I like 72 degrees
Upthereup: brb
Upthereup: dang
facialproblem: bang
Upthereup: I made a drink and spilt it
facialproblem: ggggggggggg (extended gurrrrrrrrl)
facialproblem: u have had enuf
Upthereup: lol
facialproblem: lol
facialproblem: cheap date she is
Upthereup: just one weak one g
facialproblem: jk
facialproblem: uc
Upthereup: I right hand doesnt work too well
Upthereup: too much beating off
facialproblem: LOL
facialproblem: ok
Upthereup: lol
facialproblem: tmi
Upthereup: what?
facialproblem: too much info
facialproblem: lol
Upthereup: not really, I hardly ever masterbate
facialproblem: i go in spurts
facialproblem: no pun intended
Upthereup: no puns
Upthereup: lol
facialproblem: dennis didnt show up for dinner
facialproblem: i should call her
Upthereup: were you ever in any plays at the market house?
facialproblem: no
Upthereup: never acted? except drag?
Upthereup: we should move back to paducah and have drag shows
facialproblem: oh god g
facialproblem: brb
Upthereup: we would make them wear shoes (Phil ran into a drag queen in Paducah that walked on tip toes all night because she did not have any shoes, sad)
facialproblem: b
facialproblem: paducah would not be ready g
Upthereup: I think they have them anyway, somewhere there
facialproblem: we could be on that webpage with skyscraper and those other good people
Upthereup: does so know where?
facialproblem: nah
Upthereup: we could g
facialproblem: she has no gay friends there
Upthereup: I will just run the club, u do the drag g
Upthereup: hmmmmm
facialproblem: i will be the old emcee
facialproblem: like la cage
Upthereup: wear a cute little tux everynight with your bow tie
Upthereup: and here she is...
facialproblem: and manolo blaniks
Upthereup: Miss Lexington
Upthereup: all the way from
facialproblem: paris tennessee
Upthereup: lol
Upthereup: NOT PARIS!!
facialproblem: miss april n paris
facialproblem: lol
Upthereup: LOL
Upthereup: thats funny g
facialproblem: thats a good name huh?
facialproblem: just made it ups
Upthereup: oh yes
facialproblem: do acts with umbrellas
Upthereup: very good g, should be u
facialproblem: speak french with weky accent (weky = W Kentucky)
Upthereup: lol...yes
Upthereup: lol
facialproblem: lol
facialproblem: fun
Upthereup: too fn
facialproblem: that is my new name
facialproblem: merna is retired
Upthereup: paris is too fun g
facialproblem: and april n paris is born
Upthereup: u would love it, just walking the streets
facialproblem: i am sure g
Upthereup: beautiful people everywhere
Upthereup: men and women
facialproblem: mens
Upthereup: I think its where all the hottest people go
facialproblem: and they all wear shoes
Upthereup: yes they do
facialproblem: lol
facialproblem: that is just the best story
Upthereup: bon jour
facialproblem: croissant almandine?
Upthereup: freaked me out g
facialproblem: iass (I am so sure)
Upthereup: had to leave after that
facialproblem: just spent
Upthereup: some fat g asked me who my fave author was...she came out of nowhere
facialproblem: chignon
Upthereup: I said truman
Upthereup: who?
Upthereup: that was 83
facialproblem: clueless
Upthereup: oh god g, its going to fast
facialproblem: it does that
facialproblem: chemise
Upthereup: chemise?
Upthereup: what is?
facialproblem: french word
facialproblem: las coste
facialproblem: la
Upthereup: oh, URSH!
facialproblem: lol
facialproblem: gaultier
Upthereup: bon ami
Upthereup: LOL
facialproblem: names names names
facialproblem: givenchy
Upthereup: lol
facialproblem: remember that?
Upthereup: ysl
facialproblem: ab fab
facialproblem: lol
Upthereup: yes
facialproblem: chanel
facialproblem: dior
Upthereup: its all fashon there
facialproblem: its all thats important anyway
Upthereup: my most georgous women I have even seen just walking down the street
Upthereup: tall and skinny with designer clothes g
facialproblem: oh la la
Upthereup: it is
Upthereup: was
facialproblem: still is
facialproblem: rive gauche
facialproblem: stop me
Upthereup: stop it g
Upthereup: homoist
facialproblem: i am that
Upthereup: behave yoself
facialproblem: that i am
facialproblem: oh behave
Upthereup: have an enema
Upthereup: lol
facialproblem: this town needs an enema
facialproblem: lol
Upthereup: lol
Upthereup: H does for sure
facialproblem: my enemist said why bother
Upthereup: okay everyone wake up
facialproblem: and bend over
Upthereup: what?
Upthereup: why bother?
facialproblem: for their enema
facialproblem: its bette midler
Upthereup: lets dont talk about evacuating
facialproblem: lol
facialproblem: u started it g
facialproblem: lol
Upthereup: bette midler?
facialproblem: usm
Upthereup: what?
facialproblem: her skit 'why bother'
Upthereup: dont remember the enema part
facialproblem: she took diet pills with midol and had her period three times in one day
facialproblem: she lost three pounds
facialproblem: her enemist said why bother?
Upthereup: LOL
facialproblem: it is too funny g
Upthereup: I like one man shows
facialproblem: usm
facialproblem: takes talent
Upthereup: eddie was singing every second the other night....I KILL ME!!
Upthereup: from grace jones
facialproblem: the song is i kill me?
facialproblem: i dont know that one
Upthereup: he was too funny doing grace jones
Upthereup: u kill me
Upthereup: you know that songa from the one man show
facialproblem: i prolly would onst i heard it
Upthereup: shes so dramatic when she sings it
Upthereup: turns around quickly
facialproblem: as dramatic as april n paris?
Upthereup: love your new name g
facialproblem: lol
facialproblem: me too
Upthereup: better git a new handel
facialproblem: the composer?
Upthereup: uh huh
Upthereup: place do that place
facialproblem: k
facialproblem: a handel on my messiah
Upthereup: LOL
Upthereup: handles in nature
facialproblem: love handels
facialproblem: oh dear
Upthereup: wish the sun had come out today
facialproblem: it'll come out tomorrow
Upthereup: hope so g
Upthereup: sleepy day
facialproblem: bet your bottom dollar
Upthereup: read a strange novel by tenn williams
facialproblem: w?
Upthereup: tennessee williams
facialproblem: ik
facialproblem: what was novel?
facialproblem: silly g
Upthereup: noise and the absence of reason
Upthereup: about a gay writer in ny
Upthereup: very poor
facialproblem: he was a gay?
Upthereup: has a friend(fag hag) for a best friend
Upthereup: he was g
facialproblem: how novel
Upthereup: it was written in 75
Upthereup: stop it
facialproblem: lol
facialproblem: sorry
facialproblem: i have never heard of it
Upthereup: not really recommended
Upthereup: but I love his short stories
facialproblem: have really not read hims
Upthereup: shorts are best
facialproblem: who wears short shorts?
Upthereup: get a paperback of 'one arm' and read those stories
facialproblem: noted
Upthereup: released in 48
facialproblem: wonder what it would be like to be a writer
facialproblem: all that time alone
facialproblem: formulating
Upthereup: yes, its not good, they all die alcoholics
facialproblem: oh dear
facialproblem: i best not try it
Upthereup: they do g
Upthereup: i think not miss thang
facialproblem: miss paris place
Upthereup: but u can smoke
facialproblem: and eat
Upthereup: git real fat...huge!!
Upthereup: like 400 pounds
facialproblem: be a large writer
Upthereup: lol
facialproblem: lol
Upthereup: a gay too
facialproblem: size large gay
facialproblem: xxl gay
Upthereup: i like homoist mostly
facialproblem: moistly
Upthereup: stop it
facialproblem: lol
Upthereup: behave yoself
facialproblem: my brain is bent tonight g
Upthereup: have you tried those new starbucks doubleshots
Upthereup: yummmmmmm

If you survived this conversation, I am worried about the state of your mental health.